faker

I'm a faker.

I went through twelve years of school staying at the very top of my class, and I worked only about half as much as everyone else. I got to college, and I realized, "Hey, I actually need to study here." Problem is, I don't really know how to. Study, that is. I learned a bit in college, but now that I'm back for another degree, and I've got work and bills thrown into the mix. I'm drowing. I'm used to people constantly telling me, "Wow, how do you manage to do all that/get good grades? I wish I could handle all that." Now, here I am, only in school part time, work full time. And I feel like I can't. do. it. I know there are so many people out there who go to school full time and work full time. Why can't I do that too?

I know a big part of it is that I can't stay on task. I'm so easily distracted. For every hour I spend studying, I spend two watching tv/on the internet/doing nothing. I've always put forth the image of myself as a hard worker, an overachiever. Set a challenge in front of me and I'll overcome it with ease. And therein lies another problem: I don't know how to work hard. Things always came easily to me academically as a child, and I guess I expected it to always be that way. But it's not.

So now I feel like a big, fat, lazy, faker. And failure. I expect the praise without having to do the work. And I know that's not how life goes. I'm a praise whore. And I don't know how to work.

It took a while to see myself in true light, but here I am, and it is NOT a pretty sight.