faker

I'm a faker.

I went through twelve years of school staying at the very top of my class, and I worked only about half as much as everyone else. I got to college, and I realized, "Hey, I actually need to study here." Problem is, I don't really know how to. Study, that is. I learned a bit in college, but now that I'm back for another degree, and I've got work and bills thrown into the mix. I'm drowing. I'm used to people constantly telling me, "Wow, how do you manage to do all that/get good grades? I wish I could handle all that." Now, here I am, only in school part time, work full time. And I feel like I can't. do. it. I know there are so many people out there who go to school full time and work full time. Why can't I do that too?

I know a big part of it is that I can't stay on task. I'm so easily distracted. For every hour I spend studying, I spend two watching tv/on the internet/doing nothing. I've always put forth the image of myself as a hard worker, an overachiever. Set a challenge in front of me and I'll overcome it with ease. And therein lies another problem: I don't know how to work hard. Things always came easily to me academically as a child, and I guess I expected it to always be that way. But it's not.

So now I feel like a big, fat, lazy, faker. And failure. I expect the praise without having to do the work. And I know that's not how life goes. I'm a praise whore. And I don't know how to work.

It took a while to see myself in true light, but here I am, and it is NOT a pretty sight.

God, weight, and marriage

I've struggled with my weight for the past 12 years. I'm not obese, but I'm definitely overweight. I know the main reason I can't seem to lose weight is that I just don't have the self-discipline. But I think there may be another reason. I've prayed for years that God would help me to lose weight. And I fully believe in the power of prayer. But now I'm begining to wonder if maybe God was allowing this problem of mine to continue for a reason. Because of my weight, I don't have that much confidence. Because of my lack of confidence, I've pretty much chased away any chance of ever having a romantic relationship--yet another burden on my heart. I wonder that if I had lost the weight in my teen years, I would have had a boost of confidence, but a false one, based on my looks. Perhaps I would not have been so careful with my heart. Perhaps I would not have learned the valuable lesson that my worth is not found in my appearance or weight. (Although, I'm still learning it.)

Anyways, my greater point is that, I've been praying for a while now for God to show me what my purpose is in life. I know I want to help people, I know I want to serve Him. I knew I was meant for something big. And I feel like now I know what that something big is.

I heard a sermon on singleness. It wasn't like most sermons on singleness. It's focus wasn't "Hang on, God's got someone for you, it's just on the way!" It's focus was this: singleness is a calling. I won't get into all the details, but basically, being called to singleness is perhaps even greater than being married. The reasons are: 1.) more time to focus on God, and 2.) it's not easy. While listening to this sermon, I first got mad. Then, as I kept listening, I felt God tugging at my heart, like He was saying, "My child, this is for you to hear. This is your future." And being your average girl, I wanted to fight it. I felt like my entire world, my entire meaning just fell apart into a million pieces. I've hoped and dreamed of getting married. I've hoped and dreamed of having children to call my own. And it doesn't look like either of those things are going to be a part of my future.

I know God wants to give me the desires of my heart, but that often means that He will change our desires to match His will. I have to learn to let go of these dreams. It kills me, but it just makes sense. Given the path my life has been headed, I can't help bu think this is exactly where God is leading me. I'm not happy about it now, but I'm sure I will be later. God will be my partner, and the children I work with will be as my own. I just have to pray that God changes my heart and my desires. Hopefully sooner than later.

On the down side

A few weeks ago, I went to a free depression screening at the school's clinic. I was definitely feeling down in the dumps, and I noticed I had begun to pick up some bad habits. Nothing serious, mind you, just a little irresponsible shopping. Which, while I love shopping, is totally unlike me. So I decided, what the heck, I'll go to the screening.

I got there, filled out their little questionnaire thing, then was introduced to this guy whom I believe was still a student, still working on his practicum hours to become a counselor/therapist/shrink/whathaveyou. By the time I left I was 100% sure he was still new. When we first sat down to talk, I could see he was kind of excited at the idea of a new client. He hid it well, it's just that I can usually read these things pretty well. Anyways, he took a look at my questionnaire, and you could literally see the disappointment transforming his face. He tried to hide it, but wow, did he do a sucky job. He sighed and said, "Well, you're not depressed. Why'd you come in here?" First off, way to put your client on the defense. I told him my situation, that even though I tend to be moody, what I was going through was unusual, and so I just wanted a professional opinion. He basically said, so long as you've got good friends to talk to, you're fine. You know what you're doing, so you can control it.

The whole point was that I was going to a "professional" because I didn't feel like I had good friends to talk to. Also, I kinda wanted to see if I could identify their therapeautic listening tactics. This guy was so transparent, it just made me mad. I probably didn't quite fit the descriptions of a clinically depressed person (even though I certainly felt like I did), but
invalidating my worries and fears does NOT make for good client rapport. It rather made me want to yell at him and just throw the word "suicidal" around.

It truly amazes me how terrified medical doctors can be of uncovering psychological wounds. And now I'm amazed at how therapists' love of uncovering those wounds can be so thinly-veiled. It's like, if I wasn't raised by a druggie mother and raped by my alcoholic father I'm not worth the time to counsel. Go figure.

commencement

Not really. But here's where I can get away, speak my mind. And not worry about offending anyone.