Where is God in the storm?

A question was posed in this week's SDA lesson study:

If while you are witnessing to someone about God's goodness (especially as revealed in nature) the person brings up the question of tsunamis, earthquakes, famines, and the like, how would you respond? What does the reality of these natural disasters tell us about the limits of what nature can teach us about God?

In light of the natural disaster and resulting tragedies that happened in Japan this week, this is a question likely to be on everyone's minds, Christian and non-Christian alike. As a Seventh-Day Adventist, I know that this is a terrifying example of the "labor pains" the earth will go through as Christ's second coming draws nearer. And while looking at the bigger picture does give me some comfort in the fact that our time is not long in this sinful world, it still breaks my heart to see the results of these natural disasters.
When events like these occur, it is easy to place the blame on God. After all, other disasters such as war, oil spills, and nuclear explosions can easily be traced back to men and our sinful, imperfect natures. However, earthquakes, floods, tsunamis, famines, and epidemics do not have a human source. So a Christian touting the awesome power of God as displayed in creation during these events seems like the cruelest and most insensitive thing to do. During a natural disaster, Psalms 19:1 in all it's praise, "The heavens declare the glory of God; the skies proclaim the work of his hands," is more likely to stir fear and anger in our hearts than awe and wonder.
So what do we say as Christians in the face of disasters caused by nature? The lesson refers to Job, especially the first few chapters of the book, when God and Satan are having a conversation regarding God's faithful follower. God is so confident in Job's loyalty, and Satan tries to prove him wrong. God allows Satan to do his worst to Job in order to test his faith and prove to the universe and all the heavenly hosts that when things go wrong, even the best of God's men would crumble and turn against their Creator. However, Satan's plan backfires, and Job does indeed stay loyal to God. But at his lowest point, Job pleads to God, "Why did You do this to me? I will still be loyal to You, even if You choose to take my life, but I just want to know why." Even though he never wavered in his loyalty, Job did not understand that it was not actually God causing these things to happen, but Satan. Still, for whatever reason, God does not tell Job about these behind-the-scenes conversations. God instead throws questions back at him: "Where were you when I laid the earth's foundation? Tell me, if you understand. ... Have you comprehended the vast expanses of the earth? Tell me, if you know all this." Basically, God tells Job, "I do not have to answer to you. I am all knowing, and you are not."
It seems like a cruel answer at first. But think about it. In the end, even when he never got a direct answer or explanation for his problems, Job still stayed patient and faithful. I truly believe that even if God had not blessed Job again after these trials, he would have gone to the grave praising God. We, in reading his story, see the truth, the big picture. God may not have answered Job directly, but we see the answer, the truth behind the pain. We know that it was indeed Satan bringing these tragedies to Job, and it was because he was so faithful to God. We see the conversation, what's going on behind the curtain. Even though God allowed Satan to do these things to Job, we see that God still remained in control. Satan wanted to take Job's life, but God would not allow it. God does not cause calamity, but he still can protect us from the one who does. It's not the cleanest, most straightforward answer. But it's the best. 

Acceptance

I was in the kitchen this evening cooking for tomorrow and laughing at my own joke when I noticed my mom giving me an all-too familiar look. It was a look that said, "You're inappropriate." I tried to make light of it, since I was in a good mood, but then she explained her reason for the Look.
My friend Don had been over earlier and was recounting his version of our near accident about two weeks ago. I had been driving his car on a road trip back from Michigan with three other people in the car (five total) when I hit a patch of ice and lost control of the car. I spun out so that I almost hit a cement post holding up a bridge until the car finally stopped on the gravel on the divider and we were facing oncoming traffic. In Don's version of the story, everyone in the car was calm except me. I was screaming while everyone else in the car was quiet. In his head he was thinking, "Everything's ok. She's got this. We'll be just fine."
So why was my mom looking at me funny? She told me, "I wonder why you always have to overreact. I'm thinking about what Don said, how you were the only one screaming. Everyone else was quiet, why did you have to scream?"
At that moment, I felt like I had just been punched in the gut. That day I lost control of the car, the thoughts running through my mind were, "I'm going to total Don's car." "We almost hit that truck!" "We're going to hit that post." "How am I going to tell my friends' parents that I'm the one responsible for their kids' deaths?" So I screamed. Don and the others in the car had said that they couldn't explain their calm, that they just knew everything would be alright. But for me, I feared the worst. I was so shaken I could barely let go of the steering wheel, much less get up out of the driver's seat so Don could take over. And after hearing my friend tell his account the only thing my mother could think of is how much I overreact?
I understand that I'm an emotional person. When I feel, I feel very strongly, but often recover quickly as well. I'm rarely apathetic. I can go from laughing to crying to screaming to smiling in a surprisingly short amount of time. And my entire life, I felt that my mother hated this about me. I was always being told to keep quiet when I was happy. She even asked me to change my laugh. I have many faults, but this one seemed to shame her the most.
I used to hate my mood swings. I used to wonder if maybe something was wrong with me, if maybe I was defective in some way. But as I grew I learned to control my outbursts, especially in public. I learned not to show my anger so easily, and to contain my squeals when I felt I was about to burst with excitement. But I tend to let my guard down more when I'm comfortable. I began to feel comfortable with myself, to accept the fact I am just a very emotional person and that while it has gotten me some strange looks from my family and friends, it has it's benefits. I am able to relate and sympathize with my patients in ways few people can, but I can also come home and leave all my work stress aside. I've cried with families in one room as they shared their burdens and worries and then gone to the next room and laughed with parents celebrating their babies latest achievement. I learned to focus on the things I like about myself instead of wallowing in self-pity wishing I were someone else.
But tonight, I felt the full force of the rejection I had been trying to forget. I had brought shame to my mother because I screamed in a moment that I feared for my life. And I often feel that maybe that is how she often feels about me. And I can't help but wonder, do others share the same opinion? That I am a shameful thing. A madwoman who would be better off locked away in some attic. My confidence has been torn down again. I must start over once again, building these walls from the ground. That's what I get for building a fortress on sand.

Musings on one of Grimm's Fairytales

“Once upon a time there lived a man, whose wife had died; and a woman, also, who had lost her husband: and this man and this woman had each a daughter. These two maidens were friendly with each other, and used to walk together, and one day they came by the widow’s house. Then the widow said to the man’s daughter, ‘Do you hear, tell your father I wish to marry him, and you shall every morning wash in milk and drink wine, but my daughter shall wash in water and drink water.’ So the girl went home and told her father what the woman had said, and he replied, ‘What shall I do? Marriage is a comfort, but it is also a torment.’ At last, as he could come to no conclusion, he drew off his boot and said: ‘Take this boot, which has a hole in the sole, and go with it out of doors and hang it on the great nail and then pour water into it. If it holds the water, I will again take a wife; but if it runs through, I will not have her.’ The girl did as he bid her, but the water drew the hole together and the boot became full to overflowing. So she told her father how it had happened, and he, getting up, saw it was quite true; and going to the widow he settled the matter, and the wedding was celebrated.”

I understand this is the brothers Grimm we’re talking about, but this is the introduction to a fairytale? I just about cried when I read this. Here is a woman who basically sends her daughter on a mission to demand that her best friend’s father marry her mother. But it’s not enough that she is basically doing the proposing. She’s offering to demean her daughter and uplift his if it will gain his consent! And the man declares that marriage is both a comfort and a torment, so he leaves the decision up to chance. And then it appears the fates would have him marry this woman, so he went and “settled the matter, and the wedding was celebrated”? I can feel my heart breaking just thinking about this. And yet, I wonder, is this really how some marriages come about? Are there truly people who think, “Marriage is torture, but since it has some good moments, it’s better than being alone, so I might as well marry whomever is willing”? I know there are some married people who are unhappy, but surely they did not enter into their unions with this mindset… right?

Maybe it’s foolish and childish of me, but my romantic self wants to fall in love. To be so enamored with a person that I can’t imagine not waking up next to him and be excited to spend time with him, even if it’s just doing mundane chores. To meet a man willing to move mountains and fight dragons and defy all reason just to win my heart. I want to get married someday because I cannot imagine living life without that person by my side. 

And yet, I fear that I might become like this widow. See an opportunity and sacrifice all to grab at it, just because it’s there. Not because I care for someone, but because it’s better than being alone. And he will go along with it for the same reason. And we will have a loveless marriage, together but still alone.

Anyways, the story ends happily, sort of. Not for the widow. But that’s enough of that kind of thinking.

Making choices, taking risks, learning to trust

I started off this year with the intent of being decisive and taking risks I would normally be too scared to take. (I'm not talking skydiving or bungee jumping risks here. I mean like introducing myself to someone new and painting something other than flowers. Anything other than flowers.) The problem is, I have often regretted the spontaneous decisions I've made, and the risks I've taken have rarely paid off. It seems I don't really know when a risk is worth taking or when a decisions needs time.

I moved to California with 3 weeks notice, but only because my job wouldn't let me leave sooner. I made the decision in practically no time at all. I was so sure I was following God's will, and maybe I was. But it's important to remember that when God tells you to take one step in a certain direction, it doesn't mean that you can safely assume where He's leading and immediately break into a run in said direction. I had to learn that lesson the hard way. I still don't know if I learned or did what God meant for me to learn or do in California. I can't say I regret the experience as a whole, but I do regret my overconfidence and what I now realize was a misunderstanding of how trust works.

This weekend has been eye opening in that I have seen clearly God's hand in the events that unfolded, too perfect to be mere coincidence. And now I am faced with a decision to make. At least, I think there is a decision to be made. And while my faith and trust has slowly been rebuilding, I'm terrified of making the same mistake of jumping ahead of God again. I want to be brave, but I don't want to be foolish. I want to be decisive, but I don't want to be rash. I want to live life the way God intended. Which I'm realizing may be nothing like I ever planned or dreamed.

Little Miracles

I've been a nurse in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit for all of my nursing career (all whopping 5 years) and that has led me to the following conclusion: It takes nothing short of a miracle to bring a child into this world. Parents, especially those with uncomplicated pregnancies and healthy children, should never take this gift for granted. Babies are God's greatest masterpiece and it is no light matter to be entrusted with their care. It is my prayer that I never take for granted the awesome Creator that formed these small miracles nor forget the enormity of my responsibility every day I walk in to work.

Requisite New Year's Blog and Resolutions version 2011

This year, New Year's Eve falls on a Friday night. I love it when that happens, because the Sabbath is the perfect way to start a new year. While everyone else is out trying to find the best party to attend, I have the perfect excuse to just sit at home with my family and spend some quiet time to reflect. Don't get me wrong, I love a good party, but to me, New Year's Eve is more serious than the other holidays. I like to spend the day cleaning, making sure everything is clean and in order. I've always hated the idea of welcoming the new year with chaos. And then, as midnight approaches, I like to think about the year past and dream about the upcoming year. All this is kinda hard to do when you're in party mode.

2010 has been the snowglobe year for me. Everything in my life was shaken, stirred, and basically went in a direction completely unplanned. I gave up one life plan in exchange for one completely different, and now I really have no idea where this one will take me. It's been a year in which my faith, my patience, and my endurance has been tested. And here I am at the end with no idea if I passed. This sounds kind of negative, but I see the good in it. I've grown a lot this year, but I can see that I still have a lot of growing to do. Most importantly, I've learned a lot about trust and faith. I'm learning what it really means to trust God and to follow Him without an inkling of how it will all work out in the end. It's scary and often times frightening, but it's also exciting. I have no idea what's ahead, but I think I can say now with more certainty than ever that I'm ok with that. Which is a lot, coming from a Type A personality.

Speaking of OCD-type behaviors... The following are my New Year's resolutions in list form.

1. Get certified. I want to take and pass the RNC in the first half of the year. More knowledge, more confidence, and also more money. :)

2. Write the first draft of my novel. I've had this idea stuck in my head for a couple of years now. It's about time it got penned down. I've been terrified because I want it to be perfect right away, but I should know by now that perfection takes time and work. Not to mention actual action.

3. Improve my financial situation. I'm not broke, but I'm not rich either. I definitely could learn to manage my money better.

4. Take care of my body from head to toe. It's the only one I've got. Not only does this mean the usual weight loss goals, but getting enough sleep, managing stress, and eating healthier. Head to toe also means taking care of my hair and my skin. Goodbye to junk food and hello to exercise and frequent visits to the salon, spa, and dermatologist. Not to mention actually finding a general physician.

5. Find a balance between family and personal time. I need to be more aware of my family's needs as well as my own. And if it means I need to go away on more mini-vacations to protect my sanity, so be it.

6. Start a musical group. Been working on this one with a friend. I miss choral singing, and producing good music is a blessing to all involved.

7. Become more involved at church. Not just saying yes to everything and then not following through, but actually contributing in a measurable way.

8. Start a work journal. I was disappointed when I received my evaluation at work to realize that my supervisors had simply given me cut-and-paste comments on my performance at work. If I can make real, measurable contributions to work and journal them, it will make proving that I deserve more than just a generic review much easier.

9. Watch less TV. Seriously, enough is enough. I think it's time to start weeding out some of the shows I've been watching. I can't live a great story if I'm too busy watching the stories of others.

10. Take chances. I don't know how many times I've regretted missed opportunities, questioned what if. I'm turning 26 this year and I'm not getting any younger. If I want things to happen for me, be they in my work life, my social life, or my spiritual life, I need to start moving NOW. Now is not the time to be afraid.

Here's to a great year... 2011, here I come!

Eclipse

It's 2:44 am Decmber 21, 2010. I'm sitting on my bathroom sink counter. The skylight in here is the only window from which I can see the spectacular display outside. Tonight is the winter solstice, and the moon, sun, and earth have decided to collaborate for a celebration by creating a lunar eclipse. The peak is supposed to be at 3 am during which time the moon is supposed to look like an orange ring. Already, the earth's silhouette has cast an orange shadow on the moon's surface. It feels like New Year's Eve, and I'm counting down to zero. All over the country people are watching this sight. But my house is quiet, dark. I'm watching alone. But someone, somewhere, is watching the same miracle. Maybe they're alone too. Sitting on some porch quietly gazing in awe. Six minutes to go. This counter is cold and not at all comfortable. But it's ok. I'm witnessing a miracle. And someone, somewhere is watching, too. So maybe I'm not all that alone after all.