Requisite New Year's Blog and Resolutions version 2011

This year, New Year's Eve falls on a Friday night. I love it when that happens, because the Sabbath is the perfect way to start a new year. While everyone else is out trying to find the best party to attend, I have the perfect excuse to just sit at home with my family and spend some quiet time to reflect. Don't get me wrong, I love a good party, but to me, New Year's Eve is more serious than the other holidays. I like to spend the day cleaning, making sure everything is clean and in order. I've always hated the idea of welcoming the new year with chaos. And then, as midnight approaches, I like to think about the year past and dream about the upcoming year. All this is kinda hard to do when you're in party mode.

2010 has been the snowglobe year for me. Everything in my life was shaken, stirred, and basically went in a direction completely unplanned. I gave up one life plan in exchange for one completely different, and now I really have no idea where this one will take me. It's been a year in which my faith, my patience, and my endurance has been tested. And here I am at the end with no idea if I passed. This sounds kind of negative, but I see the good in it. I've grown a lot this year, but I can see that I still have a lot of growing to do. Most importantly, I've learned a lot about trust and faith. I'm learning what it really means to trust God and to follow Him without an inkling of how it will all work out in the end. It's scary and often times frightening, but it's also exciting. I have no idea what's ahead, but I think I can say now with more certainty than ever that I'm ok with that. Which is a lot, coming from a Type A personality.

Speaking of OCD-type behaviors... The following are my New Year's resolutions in list form.

1. Get certified. I want to take and pass the RNC in the first half of the year. More knowledge, more confidence, and also more money. :)

2. Write the first draft of my novel. I've had this idea stuck in my head for a couple of years now. It's about time it got penned down. I've been terrified because I want it to be perfect right away, but I should know by now that perfection takes time and work. Not to mention actual action.

3. Improve my financial situation. I'm not broke, but I'm not rich either. I definitely could learn to manage my money better.

4. Take care of my body from head to toe. It's the only one I've got. Not only does this mean the usual weight loss goals, but getting enough sleep, managing stress, and eating healthier. Head to toe also means taking care of my hair and my skin. Goodbye to junk food and hello to exercise and frequent visits to the salon, spa, and dermatologist. Not to mention actually finding a general physician.

5. Find a balance between family and personal time. I need to be more aware of my family's needs as well as my own. And if it means I need to go away on more mini-vacations to protect my sanity, so be it.

6. Start a musical group. Been working on this one with a friend. I miss choral singing, and producing good music is a blessing to all involved.

7. Become more involved at church. Not just saying yes to everything and then not following through, but actually contributing in a measurable way.

8. Start a work journal. I was disappointed when I received my evaluation at work to realize that my supervisors had simply given me cut-and-paste comments on my performance at work. If I can make real, measurable contributions to work and journal them, it will make proving that I deserve more than just a generic review much easier.

9. Watch less TV. Seriously, enough is enough. I think it's time to start weeding out some of the shows I've been watching. I can't live a great story if I'm too busy watching the stories of others.

10. Take chances. I don't know how many times I've regretted missed opportunities, questioned what if. I'm turning 26 this year and I'm not getting any younger. If I want things to happen for me, be they in my work life, my social life, or my spiritual life, I need to start moving NOW. Now is not the time to be afraid.

Here's to a great year... 2011, here I come!

Eclipse

It's 2:44 am Decmber 21, 2010. I'm sitting on my bathroom sink counter. The skylight in here is the only window from which I can see the spectacular display outside. Tonight is the winter solstice, and the moon, sun, and earth have decided to collaborate for a celebration by creating a lunar eclipse. The peak is supposed to be at 3 am during which time the moon is supposed to look like an orange ring. Already, the earth's silhouette has cast an orange shadow on the moon's surface. It feels like New Year's Eve, and I'm counting down to zero. All over the country people are watching this sight. But my house is quiet, dark. I'm watching alone. But someone, somewhere, is watching the same miracle. Maybe they're alone too. Sitting on some porch quietly gazing in awe. Six minutes to go. This counter is cold and not at all comfortable. But it's ok. I'm witnessing a miracle. And someone, somewhere is watching, too. So maybe I'm not all that alone after all.

Remember Me in review

First Disclaimer: Spoiler alert!! If you have not seen this movie, it is best to go in knowing as little as possible about the plot. If you have not seen it the first part of this review will be safe to read, but I will insert another disclaimer before launching into the second half. You have been warned.

Second Disclaimer: I am not a Robert Pattinson fan, at least not before this movie. I do like the Twilight movies and books, but I do realize they are cheesy, poorly done, and have little if any literary value. So you can consider this an unbiased review.

This movie was amazing. I went in with very moderate expectations, and ended up loving it. The story focuses on two people, Tyler Hawkins and Ally Craig, who each witnessed a loved one meet a tragic end. The movie follows their romance, but it isn't really the focus of the film. It's about finding purpose, or rather, about having none, but still living each moment knowing that each decision you make can and does ultimately affect and change the lives of people around you.

The plot itself, when viewed simply as a series of events, is really nothing extraordinary. It's the people that make it fascinating and emotionally moving. It's witnessing the effects of these events on the people in the story that is truly the heart and soul of the movie.

As far as the acting, it was far from flawed, but still very well-done. I have not seen any of Emilie de Ravin's work (sorry, I've never seen a episode of Lost), but she played the character of Ally superbly, and suffers no lack of chemistry with Pattinson. However, chemistry with co-stars has never seemed to be a problem for Robert Pattinson. I really wish he had not taken on the role of Edward in Twilight, because anyone who has seen the teen dramas will immediately be reminded of his vampire moodiness while watching this film. However, while his moody, brooding take on Edward in the Twilight Saga is annoying and serves as great fodder for parody, in Remember Me, Pattinson's emo ways are perfectly justified. He may be a one-note actor, but he's damn good at playing that one note, and Remember Me perfectly showcases his talent for it. Ruby Jerins is adorable as Tyler's younger sister, but far from the best as far as child actors go. Chris Cooper and Pierce Brosnan completely nail their parts as Ally's dad and Tyler's dad, respectively.

Now for the second part. Seriously, if you haven't seen it, stop reading. NOW.




The surprise ending was very controversial to critics, and I honestly can't see why. There is no other movie like Remember Me in that there is no other movie that so directly addresses the tragedy of 9/11. Many reviews have claimed that this twist cheapened the movie and trivialized and exploited the tragic event, but I simply cannot agree. This movie was both about 9/11 and not. It didn't try to dramatize what happened, or bias viewers in any direction politically. If the events of 9/11 had to be written into film, it couldn't have been done with more sensitivity and humanity than Remember Me. This movie did not take sides on the event, nor did it make light of the very real tragedy. It wasn't about blaming 9/11 for Tyler's death. It was about how every life, no matter how short, or misguided, or aimless, effects the lives of others and is therefore priceless. It tells us that even if we never gain fame or recognition for accomplishing great things, if we can bring joy and happiness to just one person for just one moment, we have a life well-lived. Every moment is to be lived fully, with abandon. To quote Tyler Hawkins: Our fingerprints don't fade from the lives we've touched.

How to save a life

Cheesy title I know, just move past it already.

My dad had blood work done to day to test his eligibility for a kidney transplant. He's going to go to surgery to get a fistula so he can start hemodialysis. I hate seeing him like this. When I first realized he was going to need a kidney, all I wanted to do was give him mine. But I'm at high risk to develop the same health issues he has. Even if I were eligible to donate, it would be at a tremendous risk to myself, not necessarily right away, but in the future. Still, I desperately want to help him. He has a couple of siblings who are in good health, but I don't know if they'd be willing to donate a kidney to him. Even my brother wants to give up a kidney, but he's got the same risk factors that I have. He's still young, and my dad's siblings have families to think of. So in my mind, that makes it my obligation to donate. As I wrote before, I've had to lock away the last of my dreams. My parents and my brother are my world, my future. More than ever I feel the need to make some changes. If I can alter my lifestyle, get rid of some bad habits, I can greatly reduce my risk of inheriting my dad's health problems. It is now more important than ever that I get healthy. It's not just about trying to look good. It's about saving someone's life. I need to get my self into the best shape possible in order to do the same for my dad.

Locked away

I've written before how I hope to be brave enough to put aside my dreams, to put them away in a drawer like Mr. Darling does in Peter Pan. Many of those dreams were elusive enough to put away without too much difficulty, since the chances of seeing them become reality were small. But there was this one dream. This one most cherished dream that I clung too. It was one of my first dreams, and also the one I thought had the greatest potential to become reality. This dream, I did not want to put away in the drawer. I didn't want to let it go. I realize now that this dream, even this one, must also be put away. The thing about abandoned dreams is, the more you take them out of the drawer to admire them, the harder it is to close the drawer. I see know what I have to do. I need to place these dreams in a locked safe, hide it in the deepest recess of the deepest drawer, and throw away the key. Can I be brave enough?

Is there a point?

I feel like I should blog something. Over the past two weeks I've had moments of inspiration, but lacked the willpower to just sit down and commit a few minutes to writing. I'm not sure why, if it's a fear that what I write is just meaningless rambling that adds to the clutter of mediocrity already plaguing the internet, or just a lack of motivation. Probably a little bit of both. Anyways, my life is still a bit unstable, what with not having a job and still waiting on movers to bring in my stuff, so I've been finding all sorts of excuses to not write, blog or otherwise. I really really do want to write this novel, but I'm reluctant to start. That's always been my problem: getting started. I get inspired to do something--write a novel, take the RNC Exam, lose weight--and I plan and plan, but never actually get to that first step. It disgusts me. I want to accomplish these things, but I always let the fear of failure and/or rejection take over and keep me from even trying. I've always been this way. Even as a child I would always sit out on new games because I was afraid I'd mess up or lose right away. So I became a spectator. Always sitting on the sidelines while the other children played, and then while my peers lived. I don't want be a spectator anymore. I want to be able to look the risk of failure in the face and say, "I'm not afraid of you." So I'll start small. I'll try to commit to a weekly blog, especially now, while my life is still a mess and fiction-writing needs to move down on the list of priorities. At least blogging can keep my writing skills (ha!) intact. But whenever inspiration hits, I'll sit myself down for however long it takes to turn that idea into words, music, art. You hear that, you big, empty void that is the internet? You shall keep me accountable.

Happy New Year... sorta

I realize it's probably much too late to write my New Year's Resolutions. I had good intentions, really. One of my resolutions was to stop procrastinating, so as you can see, that's going well.

My life is about to turn upside down again, I'm going backwards and starting over at the same time. It's new, but it's a familiar new. Almost like a second chance. I was dreading this change, back when I first realized it had to be made. But one of the New Year's resolution I made this year, I fully intend to keep, mostly because if I keep this resolution, the others are sure to follow. That resolution: choose happiness. My life is only as happy as I decide it to be. Changes are not obstacles, they are opportunities. Opportunities for growth, for gain, for wisdom earned and not simply handed out.

So far, I've been good at keeping this resolution. Granted, there are my moments of melancholy, but instead of fighting them, I'm choosing to accept them, realize that they are a part of my life experience, and that they will always pass. I'm choosing to have faith again. Repairing a relationship with God that had withered away to almost nothing, but now is growing. Albeit slowly, but better a steady burn that grows than a brilliant spark that lasts but a moment.

My life is not at all what I would have imagined it to be at this age. At 24, almost 25, I expected to be dating, maybe engaged,having travelled the world on various mission trips/vacations and well on my way to a happy domestic life raising perfectly spotless children in some idyllic suburban mansion with two dogs and a cat. Instead I find myself single, having never left this country in 5 years, moving back home, leaving a job I love, and having to take care of my ailing parents. I could be devastated, I could be crushed. But I'm not. I'm choosing happiness, or something like it. I find myself moving toward opportunities. Though I love my job, it has already taken such an emotional toll on me, that I would be sure to burn out in a few years if I stayed with it. Now I have a chance to explore other areas of my field, perhaps areas that I will find even more suitable for my personality and temperament. I'm moving back home, but I'm going to be close to my loved ones. My home church has been the source of much help in my spiritual life, I'm looking forward to returning to it, to feeling like I belong again. I have to deal with living with my parents again, but I am also privileged because I get care for them, return the love they bestowed upon me freely as a child.

So many opportunities and reasons to be excited. But every once in a while, I feel the hollowness of dreams forsaken, dreams that remain just out of reach, and I am not to pursue them. One of my favorite lines from the movie Peter Pan stays with me:

Mrs. Darling: There are many different kinds of bravery. There's the bravery of thinking of others before one's self. Now, your father... has made many sacrifices for his family, and put away many dreams.

Michael: Where did he put them?

Mrs. Darling: He puts them in a drawer. And sometimes, late at night, we take them out and admire them. But it get's harder and harder to close the drawer. He does. And that is why he is brave.

I hope I can be brave, too.

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