I've noticed something about myself: whenever I find myself acting the most carefree and adventurous, that's usually when I'm the furthest from happiness. Spontaneity and hyperness in me is a defense mechanism from other negative feelings that are threatening to take over. I finally took the time to analyze myself, and to figure out what was bothering me. The answer? Not what I expected. Basically, I'm pissed off at God.
I first moved out to California because I though this is where God wanted me. Why? I didn't know. I hoped it had to do with finding a purpose, and possibly a soulmate. After three difficult years full of loneliness, frustration, pain, disappointment, I had finally adjusted and accepted my life here. No, I didn't find love, but at least I found some purpose and meaning in my job. And now I'm moving back. Out of necessity. And it feels like I'm facing the gallows.
I feel like all this time, I've been holding on, thinking to myself, "The best is yet to come. It make suck at times right now, but in the end, it will all be worth it." And that hope, that little glimmer of hope, kept me going. And now it seems that God has just told me, "Oh, sorry for the confusion, but all that shit you went through? Yeah, that was the 'good' stuff. And now it's over. Sorry you didn't get to make more of you pathetic excuse for a life."
My hope? Gone. It hurts to much to hold on to an impossiblity. I feel like I've been holding onto the edge of a cliff for years, fingers slipping, nails ripped off and bleeding. Knowing that I couldn't make it on my own but holding on to the hope that someone was coming to help me. Someone was coming to rescue me. But when that someone finally showed up, he just smiled at me as he kicked me free of that last pinkyhold and now I'm just falling, falling, falling into the abyss, waiting for the inevitable.
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