Single

I currently am crushing on a much younger guy (he’s legal, I may be a cougar, but I’m certainly no pedophile). Anyways, at work the other day, I was just trying to picture what it would be like if I ended up with this guy. Now, another certain goal I have in life is to adopt a girl from China. I’ve done my research, and China only takes applicant’s over the age of 30. They take single parent applications, but if a couple is applying, they both have to be at least 30. In my fantasy scenario where I end up with this young guy, I realized I would have to wait till I was 35 before my adoption dream could even take the first step to becoming a reality. But I really I don’t want to wait that long! I thought, well, maybe this guy and I could put off getting married until after I adopted my daughter. But honestly, what would a guy think if I told him, “I love you and want to marry you and all, but I need to have a child first before I can take that step.”

This got me thinking. Maybe getting married isn’t so important to me anymore. I mean I just got this new apartment by myself, and I keep waiting for the feelings of loneliness to hit me, but they’re not coming. I’m finding myself quite content living alone. I’m loving my work and I keep planning the steps to keep moving up in my career. I’m making lists of places I want to visit, things I want to do. For once--probably the first time ever--I am truly happy and content with being single.

Maybe it’s sad that it took me this long, to get to this point, but I couldn’t be more relieved. It feels like I’m finally getting the answer to my prayer. I think, right now, I could care less if I stay single for the next 5 years or 50. The things I really want out of life, I don’t need a boyfriend or a husband to get them. I can adopt as a single parent. I still enjoy my crush and a good sappy movie or love song now and again, but the aching emptiness I’ve felt for so long no longer has a vise grip on my heart. More importantly, I finally feel that I’ve let go of the rejection and unworthiness that have plagued me for the past couple of years. Yes, I’m single, and I may be single for a very long time, possible for the rest of my life, but that doesn’t make my life any less meaningful. I’m sure there will still be bouts of loneliness, but it all comes with the territory. Apparently I’m a very slow person: It took me over 3 years to accept and embrace the fact that I’m a nurse, It’s taken me even longer, to finally accept and embrace my singleness--but at least I finally got there.