Change of plans

I was working on a graduation blog about my brother, but I just got news that my patient passed away over the weekend.

This is the first time I've lost a baby, much less a primary. I feel lost, sad, and I deeply regret not being there for my primary's family. What surprises me, is how at peace I feel. I expected to be guilty, or maybe even angry. While taking care of him, I kept doubting myself, that I was capable of handling such a sick baby. But over the weekend, even unaware of what was going on with him, I came to realize that I did the absolute best I could in taking care of him. I loved him, and it made me all the more careful and thorough in my care for him. So even now, knowing he's gone, I don't feel guilty.

I really did expect to feel at least a little bit angry with God. Given the fragility of my relationship with Him, I thought a loss like this would snap the fine thread holding me to Him. But again I'm surprised, because I actually feel closer to Him. I know He loved this baby a hundred times more than his parents did, and certainly a hundred thousands times more than I did. I know it breaks His heart that a life is lost, a family is grieved and broken, and that He hurts more than all of them put together. But I am 100% confident that this is not God's fault. God did not want this baby to come early, or to get so sick, or to give a family a baby only to take him away before he ever got a real chance at life.

So I am at peace. I know, when I return to work tomorrow night, it will hit me all over again, and I will probably shed a few more tears. But I can honestly say, though I am sad, my heart is untroubled. There is still a God who is watching, caring, loving everyone, including me.