why i feel like i've gotten into the wrong profession

I had a whole eloquent and witty blog in mind for weeks now. Well, this is what you get instead.

I hate work. Not because of the job itself, but because of my apparent inability to perform my job well. I know I’m not the best nurse, but I always thought my strength was in being able to empathize with my patients and their families. I try to put myself in their shoes, see things from their point of view, and treat them the way I would want to be treated if it were myself or my loved one in the hospital. Even the most difficult families seemed to like me, because I acknowledged their frustrations as real and valid.

My primary’s parents asked that I no longer be assigned to their baby. I did my job, cared for their baby the best I knew how, charted responsibly, listened to the family’s frustrations, and resisted the temptation to turn them against the doctors when I didn’t agree with their plan of care. I did my best to be a peacemaker, to bridge the communication gap between the family and the doctors, to simultaneously protect the credibilty of the medical staff while acknowledging the family’s concerns and finding ways to alleviate their worries. And when other staff complained and called them difficult, I defended them. I fell in love with this baby, and I really enjoyed talking to the parents. So of course it was like a slap in the face to learn that my brand of care was not appreciated nor wanted.

I dread going in to work tomorrow. I don’t want to primary anymore, I don’t feel like I’m good enough. I wanted to try to pick up more difficult assignments after my primary went home. Now I feel thrown back to those first days when my job was frightening, intimidating, too big for me.

I’ve been questioning my reason for being called to come out here lately, but it’s been a very long while since I’ve questioned my professional calling. Did I make a mistake in thinking God has called me to be a nurse, even if only for the time being? I just don’t know anymore.