cynical, or, up goes the wall

I've had a hard time sticking to my resolution of not being cynical. Correction, acting cynical. I really don't think the world is that depressing, I actually have a lot of hope for the world, and for the future. I do have faith in God and His plans and that He won't doom me to a lonely life if that's not what will make me happy. I want to believe that everyone has a purpose, and that everyone has a special someone out there, just for them. Oh, crap, I need to just come out and say it: I have high hopes of falling in love someday. Or at least, I want to have hope.

So why can't I admit it? I even had to stop myself from erasing what I just typed or slapping on a sarcastic "NOT!" at the end. I settled for moving this to my private blog. I can't seem to embrace or even admit to my romantic nature. I'm so terrified of even appearing the slightest bit vulnerable, of allowing anyone the opportunity to hurt me even a little. I've been careless with my heart before, and it was with a good friend, and it hurt like hell.

So now, with conflicting voices of "It's ok to let your guard down, just a little," and "NO!! Protect yourself at any and all cost!" bouncing around in my head, it's just a little bit crazy.

Thank goodness for good friends who have my back and warn me that my shell is cracking. Slap some cement, let it settle, and I'm impenetrable again. It's the only way for me to be free.